What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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