I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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