The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
