I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
