I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
im six kinds of drunk right now
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
