when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
