is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
