The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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