I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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