you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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