apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
