I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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