I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
