i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
