Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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