I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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