There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
