He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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