Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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