my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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