I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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