even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
