Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
