She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
