My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize