i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
