Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
