Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
