And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
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She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
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When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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