Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
