Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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