I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
