Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
