I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
