i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
