the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
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I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
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She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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