When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
