so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
