Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am midnight drunk by noon
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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