I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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