She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
