Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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