Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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