I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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