As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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