Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
