dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
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What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
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