so let's talk penis.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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