Apparently you make a good broom.
farters have to be the big spoon...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
