Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
