I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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