I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
