Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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