just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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