Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
