We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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