Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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