Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
