Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
